Don't get me wrong, recovery is SO BEAUTIFUL. But oh my gosh, it really sucks sometimes. Even though I'm eating like a normal person, I'm not constantly reading nutrition labels, or running to the bathroom after I eat something as little as a cracker, I'm still dealing with all of the side effects as if I still had Anorexia or even when I dabbled in with Bulimia. For instance:
- I'm currently in the process of testing for Celiac. Every time I eat Gluten, I get nauseous. My head pounds to the point of where I have to turn off all the lights. I get lethargic and it's pretty much hard to do anything. My doctor wants me to go two more weeks with no Gluten and see how I feel and after that we'll decide if I just need a Gluten free diet or if he wants to send me to a gastroenterologist. He is 99% sure that this was caused as a life long repercussion from my Eating Disorder.
- Brittle hair and nails.
- I still have the Lanugo. A lot of people don't know what this is so let me explain. Lanugo is the very fine, peach fuzz type of thing that your body produces when you are severely underweight in it's last and final attempt to bring up your body temperature. Mine came in on the sides of my face and even though it is practically unnoticeable to everyone else, I know it's there and it's so annoying. Most cases go away after you hit your stable steady goal weight. I've been at a healthy weight for a little over a year now and mine is going no where.
- Orthostatic-Hypotension. Ya know, that thing that makes you get dizzy EVERY SINGLE TIME you stand up or change your body alignment position. I was diagnosed with that when I was 17 and that will last with me for the rest of my life. I've fainted a couple of times in the past, so it's really nothing to take super lightly.
- ANXIETY. I have NEVER been an anxious person until I started my Eating Disorder. Even after five times in rehab treatment and learning all of the coping skills I could ever imagine, I still get anxious and I still get panic attacks. This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with thus far, and I would never wish this upon my worst enemy.
- My body no longer gets hunger cues, which in turn makes it pretty difficult to remind myself to eat sometimes. I'm NOT relapsing, I just always have to remind myself and sometimes even force myself to eat, and that is never fun.
- Tooth sensitivity. REALLY SUCKS. Early teeth decay could be in my future, and I'm trying everything I can to prevent it.
- Osteopenia. I have lost so much bone density, it's ridiculous.
These are just a few of the ones that I could think of off the top of my head. Please believe me when I say there is more. So, to the beautiful girl in the doctors office that claimed being skinny was the new strong and beautiful, you are so much more beautiful at a healthy weight. With a healthy mind and a healthy body, you can conquer the world far more faster than you ever could with an Eating Disorder. I know she'll never see this, but some other girl might. And that would make this whole "crying while I'm blogging thing" worth it.
My heart aches for all of the girls out there who truly believe these lies that society feeds us, and I just wish there was something out there that I could do to help and make it better. If sharing my story and all of my struggles beyond my story is all that I can do, then so be it.
I hope people know that I am always here as a peer sponsor, mentor, friend, or even just a listener.
E-mail: dresses.to.messes@gmail.com
Blog's Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/dressestomesses
Twitter/ IG/ Pinterest name: @MatracaTaylor
Wow, what a powerful message. You are so inspirational, strong, and beautiful inside and out. Never give up and always have faith. :)
ReplyDeleteLove you!
ReplyDeleteThis makes my heart so sad. I suffered from bulimia for a while in my early 20's and have so many issues because of it. Like my teeth are permanently lacking enamel, I have the WORST gag reflex, and to this day if I eat heavy/greasy/too much food, I have to fight the urge to throw up. It isn't worth it. Ugh.. This poor girl, I just want to hold her. So proud of you for recovering and learning that healthy is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful message! Thank you so much for sharing what is on your heart. I'm sorry that you have had to go through an eating disorder, but it's incredible that you're sharing your story. You never know who might stumble upon your space and feel comfort in your words.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing message - from someone who is clearly so strong. It makes my heart sad to hear young girls say "skinny is the new strong". A weight should never be associated with strength, strength is so much more than that. I am so glad you are healthy and as Misty said learning that healthy truly is beautiful <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty! This is something I definitely would like see more readily available. I've heard a lot about the emotional distress after recovering from an eating disorder, but no one laid out the health facts of what you could face for the rest of your life. I think if more people were aware of the major health repercussions, then maybe they would think twice about saying: 'skinny is the new strong'.
ReplyDeleteOmgosh this is so hard for me to read. I have been a life long food sensitivity lady and it is the absolute worst. It's getting really really bad now and I've been begging the doctors for answers.
ReplyDeleteIt must've been so hard to sit by and hear that. Strong is the new strong!!! And health should never be taken for granted. Teenagers though! They have to live and learn I suppose.
Everything about this blog post! <3
ReplyDeleteReading this makes my heart heavy. :/ I remember being that age and feeling those same insecurities about my body and wanting to look like the girls in magazines. Those thoughts of desperately wanting to be thin can be so dangerous. As an adult, I've learned that being healthy is far more important than what your body looks like. Being thin DOES NOT mean you're healthy. I was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Ulcerative Colitis. I was so sick that I lost 16 pounds in just 3 months. I was literally wasting away. Going through all of that has left me with an unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I took my health for granted before I got sick. Now I'm fighting to overcome anxiety and learning to love my body as it is. Knowledge truly is power. I've spent hours researching nutrition and how to help my body heal. I encourage you to listen to your body. Pay attention to how you feel after you eat common trigger foods like gluten, dairy and grains. When I was at my sickest I could barely eat without getting sick- throwing up, going to the bathroom 20 plus times a day, joint pain, headaches, extreme fatigue, etc.. I noticed that my symptoms increased when I ate anything with gluten in it. I now follow a paleo lifestyle and it has improved my quality of life tremendously. 90% of my symptoms are gone. It's my hope that after time it will lead me to remission.
ReplyDeleteThis touches me, deeply. As I am not sure what to say I specifically suffer from, but I have a very hard time maintaining a healthy weight. I too have felt MANY of the symptoms and side effects you have suffered. I lost my hunger cues as well, am osteopenic, tooth sensitivity, orthostatic hypotension & sensitivities to multiple foods. You are amazing and so strong to be fighting this battle!
ReplyDelete