An in-depth look into my (once was) Eating Disorder & (still is) Recovery.

After many questions and much review, I have decided to write the post that I've been promising now for a while: a look into my Eating Disorder and how I managed to overcome, conquer, and recover! I've never really gone in depth about this topic... to anyone... so I guess I don't really know where to start. I suppose let's start from the beginning..

It started in High School, and believe it or not, I didn't just wake up and decide not to eat! It's a little more complicated than that, folks. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal breast cancer on the exact same day as my 15th birthday.. and that's when it started. I don't remember crying when I first found out about my mom, I instead quietly went upstairs to my room and wrote. (Which is also when my love for poetry really started expanding!) I don't remember what I wrote, or where it is today, but I wrote for a good hour and then calmly went to bed. That was it. So emotionless it hurt. It really hit me that next week at school, when I realized I wouldn't have my mom around for much longer and that's the first time I remember feeling powerless with no control over any outcome from here on out. I will say this now, and I will say it a million times: EATING DISORDERS START AND END WITH CONTROL. It is a continuous control game, and it is so exhausting. I realized I couldn't control the passing of my mom, I knew I couldn't control the fact that I had to watch her decline, and I knew I couldn't control anything to do with her healing; although I so badly wished I could. 

THAT is when my eating disorder took its place. I knew the one and only thing that I felt like I could control at that point in time, was my weight. BUT, here's the kicker, guys, I didn't even know that was an "eating disorder" at the time. I thought it was completely normal to feel awful about your body. Then some time passed and I became reaaaaaaally skinny.   I tried to hide it by wearing nothing but baggy clothes, but that clearly didn't work. I tried to blame it all on the basketball practices saying "I just burned too many calories with sports, I'm fine."But I wasn't fine, and nobody really bought my story. My High School counselor offered me help with a support group, but I never went. She would pull me out of classes and ask me how I was doing that day, and I always lied. That's when I realized that I needed to hide it better. I needed to stop only restricting because that was making me lose too much weight, too fast. High School, my Junior year to be exact, is when I started binging and purging. Bulimia at it's finest. This was my messed up thought: "if I'm only throwing up three times a day, I'm not burning that many calories. Not nearly the amount that I was burning by not eating entirely." This is the way that I thought I could hide it. People would be able to physically SEE me eat, so they would think: "she isn't anorexic, I see her eat every lunch". They just never followed me to the bathroom or knew what went on behind closed doors. 

When you have an Eating Disorder, you learn all the tricks in the book. I mean, everything. And most of these so called "tricks" are so ridiculous and time consuming, and just absolutely crazy. But you don't care because you'll do anything to seem fine. And I wanted to seem fine. I had so much going on, there was no way I was going to hit my dad with another brick like that. He was already losing his wife, I didn't want him thinking he was losing his daughter to a disease. He already lost a daughter (my sister, Kimmy) when she was 16, and I never wanted him to go through another heart break again. I did everything in my power to try and cover up my problems. My dad would give me lunch money everyday because I refused to ear the hot lunch. I used that money to (sometimes) buy Adderall instead. (Sorry, dad) That was a life saver for me at the time because it allowed me to not eat AND I would still have energy. Not to mention it was an appetite suppressant. The rest of the time I used that money to buy more clothes that actually fit me, but were still a little bigger in order to cover up my bones. I constantly wore baggy clothes so people wouldn't have to see my hip- bones poking out of my jeans or my clavicle protruding out of my skin. I would eat foods that I know would come back up easy later (gross, I know, but you guys asked for this post!) I blamed all my weight loss on dance, basketball, cross country, and softball. And (I don't know how people didn't catch on to this) I went to the bathroom after EVERY meal. I turned the sink and all the dryers on so people wouldn't have to hear me throwing up. I always had a toothbrush and gum with me in my purse at all times. I started blacking out at some basketball practices, and fainting at dance practice. I went through numerous doctors test to try and figure out what was wrong. They were all stumped because my vitals were always bad, but other than that I was pretty healthy. There was no way I was going to tell them I was bulimic, so they diagnosed me with OrthoStatic Hypotension. Annoying, I know. 

By this time I was 16 and able to hide my disease for about a year. Then, my mom passed away one month before I turned 17 and my whole world vanished. 

I became worse than ever. I binged and purged every day, for a very long time. And nobody knew. I started self harming on my arm and wrist (places that I could easily cover up) and nobody knew. I so badly now wish as I look back  that I would have opened up to my best friends. Or my dad. But I felt like I couldn't because I knew the outcome would be rehab, and what teenager wants that?! To be honest, I don't really remember a lot of my senior year because of the Bulimia, and that saddens me still to this day. I was so consumed by calories, scheduling my day around times that I could purge, counting my numbers, weighing my self every single morning and every single night and never being content with what the scale said. 

Then I turned 18 and it was 2010. I graduated High School and moved to Arizona with my dad because Lord knows we both needed a fresh start. I loved it at first! I started going to college and realized "nobody here knows what I used to look like" They had nothing to compare me to, so if I started losing weight, hopefully nobody would be concerned. And that's when my Bulimia turned to Anorexia. That lasted about 5 months and I was so scared my dad was catching on. I wanted to move back to Michigan. I wanted more space, and I missed my friends. So I did. I left my dad in Arizona in 2011 and I moved back to Michigan. I lived a few places here and there and I wound up teaching at a dance studio! It was my dream job and I miss it to this day, but now I realize just how bad that was for my disorder. I had full access to the studio and I could dance whenever I wanted. I burned so many calories and I was there for hours on end. It was 2011, I was now 19, 5'8" and barely 100 pounds. Everybody was catching on and at that point, I knew I had a problem. After four years of living in hell with this disease, I finally was able to say that I had a problem and I needed help. 

I was shipped off to Remuda Ranch Treatment Center in Chandler Arizona. 

It was, to this day, one of the best things that have ever happened to me. 

They taught me how to let go. How to feel in control of my future and not just my weight. They brought back some confidence that I never thought I would regain, and they helped heal my heart. I met the most amazing girls and to this day they are my sisters. I learned meal planning, coping skills, proper exercise, body mechanics, nutrition, and unfortunately all of the side effects that this disease had brought on. While I was there I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa (obviously), bi-polar type 1, Insomnia, and chronic anxiety. I was on pills, and a lot of them. I hated it, but at the same time my functioning was so great with them, that I wasn't sure how to necessarily live without them. I spent the first month in the acute care facility because my weight was in the danger zone and before I could be released into RLP, they had to get me back to the "okay range". Once I reached 105 they let me into their step down program called Remuda Life. This was hard, and I had to work at it every day, all day long, but it was worth it. 

Remuda Ranch

I was soon after released and headed back home. (Fun fact! I was actually released on the exact day that my mom had passed away a few years before. November 2nd.) I felt great. I still had to deal with recovery and all of the side-effects that Anorexia brought into my life, but I felt free and it was fantastic. Unfortunately, that only lasted a little while and I soon relapsed.
 Then I turned 20 and I met the love of my life, Garrett.

I didn't hide anything. He knew I was sick. He knew my past and my present and he didn't care. He wanted to help me even though there was nothing he could do. I was the only person who could heal myself and he knew that. After a few months together, I was back in rehab. This time not in Arizona, but local in Michigan. I ended up going back to rehab about 3 more times (making that being in rehab treatment facilities 5 times). After the 5th and final time, I was just kind of done. I never thought I would get better, I couldn't envision my life without my Eating Disorder, I saw no healthy future, and I just sort of quit. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor one night when Garrett was working 3rd shift crying. Just sobbing because I felt like my life was ruined. Living with an ED is absolutely NO way to live. It is so draining (mentally, physically, and emotionally) and I started self harming again. Cutting, in layman's terms. I remember thinking how I would never have a family because my doctors told me my body was infertile. They legitimately told me that Anorexia took away my fertility (I hadn't had a period since I was 16) and that I would in no way have a child. Of course Garrett and I always thought about having a baby someday, and it killed me thinking that I would never be able to provide for that. I'll always remember just sitting on that floor sobbing like that for hours. So many thoughts ran through my head, and believe it or not, all of those poetry pieces that you all so kindly loved from me, were written during moments like that. Moments when my life was falling apart on that bathroom floor, are moments where my greatest poetry pieces arose.
Then I turned 21, Garrett and I were still together, I got my eating under control (not really, but kind of) I was still very much sick in the head.
I had my annual weigh-in and cancer screening (since it ran in my family), Garrett came with me and to us it was nothing but a normal routine thing. The RN came back and said: "congratulations no breast cancer, and CONGRATULATIONS you're pregnant!"
.....um, what? I was literally told a few months ago back in rehab that this was never possible.
But we were, and we both cried (happy tears, people!) We were so in shock.

That was the day I can honestly say I recovered. Yes, it was that simple to me all of a sudden. I gave Garrett my cigarettes, we flushed all my pills as soon as we got home, I started eating healthy and I threw away all of my blades. YES, it was THAT simple. Now, in no way is this me saying that it wasn't hard. Because it was. Going through that entire pregnancy in a healthy manner without relapsing, or turning to all my old bad habits, was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do in this life time so far. I was gaining weight (rapidly) and I had to be okay with it. And some days I was, and some days I wasn't, but I can honestly say I did nothing but healthy and great things during those 10 months. And it was all because of Mason.
He truly WAS our miracle baby. I am no longer sick because of him. I can honestly say that I am in RECOVERY and I plan on it staying that way forever. I don't know how we got pregnant, (I mean birds and the bees, obviously) I mean, I don't know how health wise it became possible. He beat all the doctor's orders, and all of the odds were against us. But he was meant to be on this Earth, and I was meant to be his mom. You better believe I thank God every day. I have recently hit the year and a half mark of being 100% recovered with no hiccups, no set-backs, relapses, or rehab treatments and that feels GREAT. Crying right now writing this down really shows me just how far I (we as a family) have come. I am HEALTHY and I have the world's most PERFECT baby. How does that happen for a girl like me? I'll never understand, and I'm not sure I want to. God is a mystery, and what is life, if not a mystery?

So, there ya have it. I was sick. Really sick. To the point where I was scared it would take my life. I never thought I would be where I am today, with my beautiful family, my perfect 9 month old son, and planning a wedding that is EIGHT months away! I am currently 117 pounds, (which is one of the highest weights I've been in a loooong time) and I'm OKAY with that. I know I'm healthy, and life is so much more beautiful now than I ever could have imagined. We LOVE living in Arizona, and our family love grows stronger with every passing day. I'm not quite sure how I got this lucky. 

If you are struggling, or know somebody who is, NEVER be afraid to ask for help. TALK to somebody (even me!), speak UP and reach out! I was in the darkest of days and I have come out stronger than ever. And I promise, if I can do it, you can, too. 

Thank you for reading such a lengthy post, I tried to answer all of the questions that I've ever received so I hope I hit them all. If I didn't, leave your comments, e-mail me at dresses.to.messes@gmail.com, Facebook, Twitter, IG, Pinterest, or any of the above: I am here to answer all. Happy December!